You're my daughter and I love you. I want to make it clear that if your child is doing something unsafe, destructive, abusive or risky, like cutting herself, bullying others, or doing drugs, she has crossed a line. Would help with bills. My other son is upset about the situation as the continued taking attitude is messing up my life. I tried to be the best mother I can and I struggled to provide her with everything that the other kids have including a cellphone . course of action. Also, think about what really needs to be said. I told her she may qualify for aid her first year but that is because that is when I first went through divorce and was only making 19k per year. I saw what happened to my cousin and how hes turned out at 50 and he still cant get his life on track. It makes me very sad to know there's not much I can do about it. She admitted lying to me constantly when she was telling me she was going to Macdonald with her girlfriends and in fact she was using her money for pot. People will hurt you and say bad things - but don't let them bring you down. It doesn't take time. I will stand by you when you suffer from the repercussions of your bad choices and I will try my hardest to stand back and let you see how things could have been different. Ive watched several people continue the abuse cycle by falling back on their parents. Like I said, I love you yes, you. Enabling them to continue the cycle of poor decision making does not help them gain stability and become healthy. I love all my kids but dont know what to do. We are desperately searching for answers which has brought us to websites such as this. Theyve never made it easy to parent her because any issue was always someone elses fault I mean a big DUH on the whole lack of accountability thing thats going on with her now. Let it be finance, relationships, or any other aspect of life, your child would always have room for making bad decisions. replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. It hurts to because we use to be so close I feel like every decision Ive made so far isnt a good one. She was accepted to college but wont sign up for classes, is in a dead-end job but wont look for anything else. Instead, be his parent. Acknowledge Your Love For Her. He deserves better then that. When our teens believe that they are valued, wise, capable, imperfect and fully loved, they make more decisions that are aligned with those beliefs. Seriously, lets be honest. The Alanon Family Groups is a fellowship of relatives and friends who have been profoundly affected by the common problems of drug and alcohol or mental challenges that can devastate the family system.. Serve your friends and serve our neighbors. We let both of our children move back after college, on the condition they quadruple up on their school loan payments. No no no!!! Be the adult, maintain your boundaries, be firm and clear about your bottom line and then enjoy your teen. BEFORE you have this conversation, process through your own emotions in order to be as unemotional as possible while youre talking with them. My heart hurts, broken and TIRED. It isnt healthy! Marc Rubinstein: How Buffett turned a few calls into 3,787,464% Her grades have fallen from excellent to satisfactory . Decide on the behavior to address. I have allowed my adult daughter 48 yrs and my 20 year old granddaughter move back in for several times and every time it was hell! 1. Related Content: I am devastated. For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. She has been talking to several boys. Once you put all of that in place, remember that theres a whole other part of your childs personality that you can relate to and enjoy. I feel better about myself, setting boundaries. You wanted to nurse longer than you probably needed to, you wanted an extra cookie after dinner, or five additional minutes of play time before bed. Disrespectful, they scream and call each other names, my daughter is spending her money on something cause she has moved been evicted last 15 years about 15 times. can anyone recommend more literature or books regarding this issue? OR if moving back home could be an option, it wouldnt happen without a contract in place about what will happen while they are at home and a move-out date set. If I learned anything growing up, it was that I had to take responsibility for my own poor decisions. Good luck. She has become completely disrespectful . It was not an accurate amount of spending. your family. 2Smith, K. (2018, March 14). "My son is a slob! Thanks for sharing. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Everyone told my daughter how bad this guy was but she believes everything he says. Your child is no exception. I love you, Jade. He doesnt understand why everyone is so upset! If so, have you been over-functioning for your child by babying her and contributing to her irresponsible ways? My wife and I are in our seventies and trying to provide those skills to our adult son who is almost 50 yrs old. We need desperate help with tried counseling and mental health. Trust me. I had to acknowledge that it was not helpful in the long run and would be counterproductive if I got into financial difficulty too. The idea of drawing clear boundaries can be confusing. His father failed to enforce the rules and I felt like if he was not going to fulfil what he agreed to, he should move out. https://firstthings.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/kitera-dent-1xSiUiFQJvk-unsplash-scaled-e1598965473965.jpg, https://firstthings.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/ftf-logo-300x186.png, 7 Ways To Deal With Adult Children Who Make Poor Decisions. How to Manage without Going Crazy, Yes, Your Kid is Smoking Pot What Every Parent Needs to Know, Running Away Part II: "Mom, I Want to Come Home." Here's what to do with a daughter making bad decisions. Be kind. She eventually moved out of our home without a warning just so this guy could stop by at his convenience and she didnt like how we hassled her about how bad he was. "He has made some bad choices, thinking he could do something a little shady to get ahead . I love my son more than he can imagine, but its time he gets his life together and I refuse to baby him. This piece was specifically written for those who are dealing with adult children making poor decisions which put them in precarious circumstances. I had to stop all contact with him because of his behavior and its killing me. You have always been a girl who never loses her smile and . Im working on setting health boundaries. You may blame me for being overprotective, but for me, your safety was above everything else. From this day forward, Lord, help them to make good choices and not bad choices. My 20 year old daughter is dating and plans to marry a 26 year old Ex-con and meth addict.He has given her HIV and currently is trolling the internet looking for new sex partners to introduce into their relationship and with just him. Unless you want your 30, 45, 50-year-old child expecting you to continue to make everything alright for them, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT enable them by taking responsibility for their actions. My Child Has Difficulty Making Decisions: How Can I Help? My Child Is Using Drugs or Drinking AlcoholWhat Should I Do? Risky Teen Behavior: Can You Trust Your Child Again? When you say, "Mom, just talk to me. All I can do now is learn to change and find a reason to ask for redemption I dont deserve. :(, with a ex-trafficker and hear she's using meth :[ she does hv her own car- n she says she carts people around all the time! A teen who broke the rules or the law = a bad mom. Letter to my Daughter - What I Hope She Knows - Handful of Thoughts Best of luck ! Don't ever be mean; karma will come back to bite you tenfold. Our faith and family have sustained my husband and me, yet there are still times we want to just run away and hide under a rock. A Letter To Daughter: Things To Write & 10 Sample Letters - MomJunction I told her she will have to transfer to a state school after sophomore year. You're grounded in your faith. Encourage your teen to stop and think. Dont confuse enabling with loving your adult child.2. I dont know what to do. Avoid fixing it for them. If you Parenting adult children who make poor decisions can be like a roller coaster ride. You cant control her without hurting your relationship. I dont know the ins and outs on how you can do this but I would definitely get him some place where you can live out your life in harmony. Shes now 31 and decided she doesnt want to be married anymore and will likely need to move back home. My son has moved back home twice and each time is was a very trying time. If she is going to leave her husband, she has to be able to leave her husband. It happens every years since 8th grade this time of year. One of the most painful and frustrating things for parents is watching their teens make bad choices and throw it all away. Some of these choices include running with the wrong crowd, blowing off homework, dropping out of school, drinking and doing drugs, and engaging in risky behavior. You might see it that way but your son is an adult and cant use you as an excuse anymore. Now that I cashed 70k out of my retirement to pay for a down payment on a house and pay all my divorce debt. In fact, he was in mental health when we first adopted him, and that sure the hell didnt work at all if anything it made him worse. I just dont know what to do anymore. Contact pflag, an organization for the parents of gay and transgender people. It has helped my husband and myself. After 5 years need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please And unlike your mother, your grades have not dropped since entering middle school. My 36 year old son is going through a divorce and custody case. There it is, that is the letter to my daughter for Mother's Day this year. What I think is help has turned into enabling at its worst. Here's an excerpt: Yesterday I sat at the DMV with my 15 year-old daughter while an officer talked to Ashley about how important it is to make good choices. She completely pulled away from family and friends and wouldnt let anyone in her apartment. Grown Child Has Made Poor Decisions - Focus on the Family You arent as interested in spending time on the couch watching a movie during our family nights. What ultimately counts is not whether you are able to perfectly control your teenager, but whether you can hang in there through the tough times and come back for more the next day.